Friday, 27 May 2011

Pushing My Buttons

Woman looking stressed
Photo credit: m_bartosch
This isn't really me.  I try to avoid blogging about the really bad stuff, even though I have blogged about cancer before.  However, sometimes I need to vent.  Sometimes I just need an outlet to let off steam...call it cheap therapy if you will.

There is someone in my life who has the ability to push my buttons.

Unfortunately they are the wrong buttons.  These are the buttons that send my anxiety levels to maximum overload and cause a feeling inside me that I can't describe.  It's been happening for a while now and there is little I can do for respite.

I don't know what I can to do to appease the situation.  It's the only real area of my life that I can't control, the only area that I wish to sort so I can feel happier...but I can't. It's awkward.

I'm an extremely easygoing person, I like to think of myself as loyal and friendly and I would hope that those who know me would describe me as exactly that. I have the sort of personality though that appears to let this person wind me up. I tolerate things for an easy life but if the pushing and prodding goes on for much longer I'll be tipped over the edge and explode.

At the moment I'm dangerously close to the edge.

Today was pretty awful. Matt and I had suffered one of the worst nights sleep ever (or should I say lack of) due to Mini Cheddar coughing relentlessly. It would have to happen the night before I'm due to do my volunteer work the next day but c'est la vie (and no it's not someone in the shop, they are all lovely).  We are talking a night with an absolute maximum of 3 hours sleep and broken sleep at that.  A night when you feel sick you're that exhausted. So today wasn't a day I need to be antagonised but I was.

Sometimes I think that being pushed entirely over the edge is the only way to 'clear the air', the only way to gain some sort of balance in my life but I'm scared.  I'm scared of the consequences of what would happen if I'm caught on a wrong day. I'm scared that more than 2 and half years of being hurt and wound up will come pouring out of me in a tirade of feelings I've kept bottled up.

I've gone this long and not bitten though so maybe I can hold out some more.

However, it's inevitable that one day I'll erupt and this is one ash cloud you won't want to be in the vicinity of.




16 comments:

Lady Estrogen said...

Grrrrr!!!
Wouldn't it be feckin' FANTASTIC if we could just gnaw off those people like a rotten appendage?! I really wish I could.

LUCEWOMAN said...

We all encounter people like this and you've done the right thing blogging about it. I understand your fear about letting all the pent-up rage out in one major mushroom cloud of vitriol. I have very violent and aggressive dreams when the person who makes me feel like that starts nipping at my shell trying to break it.
The tiredness makes it worse, I get irrational and emotional when I'm tired.
Keep telling yourself that you're better than this person, have more going for you and will have a happier life than them. An element of pity for someone who winds you up can sometimes help to cool down the anger.
Failing that, a stiff drink, your favourite comedy show and a deal on a lie in each over the bank holiday may do the trick. Chin up, misery doesn't suit you like it suits me!

HELEN said...

I know exactly what you mean, you sound very much like me. Do you want this person in your life? Either way if it all comes to a head & you blow up then you will either get rid of them for good or it will clear the air and you will manage to get past it. I've been there with a 'friend' who kept winding me up & I kept quiet & watched what I said for too long.....until one night (after wine) I blew. She apologised but for me there was no going back & it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
I hope you get it sorted out one way or another, and remember there is always Twitter to help out if you need it
xx

Lauren "Real Housewife" said...

Awwww I want to give you a big hug. I'm really worried about you now

I had [have] a similar situation, I imagine, with my husbands step-mum. Its gone so far that we've cut her out of the family and in return my father in law has basically done the same to me (except I have done nothing wrong)
Sadly my father in law now won't come over and see Charles because she isn't allowed to come either but I had to stand my ground and cut her out because it was affecting my day to day life and my marriage.

I hope your situation eases and as Helen says, Twitter and us Twits are always here to help if you need it xx

Liska said...

Oh gosh, it is clearly someone IN the volunteer shop who is winding you up... At least you are only there once a week (I think).
Sorry sweetie. Lots of counting to 10 and deep breaths me thinks.
You can rise above it xxx

Mañana Mama said...

How terrible, I'm sorry to hear about this - you do come across as so very nice and easy going, and I can't imagine who would want to antagonise you. Hope the situation improves - hug.
~M

Tai Tai said...

COMPLETELY get what your saying. Sometimes I think confrontation can be good, so that your 'friend' can know how you really feel, but sometimes you've got to wonder if it's worth it. I don't know the answer. And go ahead and vent! This is your blog and you can do what you like. I did it this week too....not sure it went down very well but I needed to get it out and felt better once I did it. Hope you start feeling better about this soon! xx

Tania @ Larger Family Life said...

I think we all have that one person (maybe more) that always pushes the wrong buttons. Hoping you are ok and tomorrow makes for a less stressful day.

SAHMlovingit said...

Thanks SO much for all your comments.

Just need to clear one thing up...that's its definitely NOT someone in the volunteer shop. I've amended that bit so there's no confusion. I love my volunteer work and everyone I work with is lovely. I've only been volunteering since February and this is something that's been going on for almost 3 years.

We had a better nights sleep last night, we went to bed at 9.30pm and despite MC having a coughing for 5-10 mins at 12.40am she pretty much slept through until 7.50am this morning.

Despite the catch-up on sleep I don't feel much better about the situation. I'm not sure how it's going to pan out over the weekend but it means a lot that you commented and showed you care and great to know I'm not alone in how I feel sometimes.

I'm going on holiday in a week and it can't come soon enough.

xx

p.s. And thanks also to those who contacted me via twitter via DMs and tweets / couldn't comment etc.

Mummy and the Beastie said...

So sorry to hear you are a woman on the edge. I hope it has helped you to offload on here, lots of helpful ears out in blogosphere. I have my own assumptions on who it is, if I am right then it's a really tricky one but eventually it will come to a head. I sometimes feel a similar situation in the future brewing. Sending hugs :-) xx

Mrs E said...

Hey hun,

I have a similar situation at the moment. I am also an easygoing person and I don't think I have ever fallen out with a friend in my life.

I have been fortunate enough to make lots of friends through having Mads and we all get on very well. There is one girl who I actually met when I was pregnant and we all have become friends with others through baby groups and things. This particular girl just completely clashes with my personality.

I don't think she intentionally means to make people feel bad, and she is just a proud mother but she does like to go on about her baby sleeping through the night well, breastfeeding well, and now weaning well. She then offers advice to others but it comes across very patronising and I think she makes people feel a bit rubbish.

She also is one of these people who has to be involved in everything, and doesnt like it if she misses anything, so much so that we had all arranged to go for a coffee on Monday morning and because she can't go she has go on and changed five people's plans so we are going in the afternoon which now I can't do.

They are really silly unimportant things but I can just feel her more and more winding me up and it is such a shame because I have introduced her to lots of people which means now she is always where I am as we all get together most days.

I want to enjoy the rest of my maternity leave without letting anyone get me down but she has the ability to wind me up the wrong way.

This is a long comment!! I hope you get the situation sorted soon enough.xxx

Kelly Simmonds said...

Aw bless your heart, sending you cyber hugs! I don't think I've commented on your blog yet but I've been reading your posts for a couple of weeks. You seem like such a lovely, sweet natured person and don't deserve to be made to feel like this. I read an interesting quote Michelle Obama recently made on http://londonmum.wordpress.com/ last night which struck a chord: “Do not bring people in your life who weigh you down. And trust your instincts … good relationships feel good. They feel right. They don’t hurt. They’re not painful.” I know sometimes you can't choose your family, but just try to invest your time and energy in the people who matter and be civil to the rest. I hope the situation resolves soon x

Looking for Blue Sky said...

I can empathise, but perhaps in a different way as here it's my son with aspergers who pushes all my buttons and makes me want to scream, even though I love him and he swears he's not doing it deliberately xx

alysonsblog said...

Heather I think you have to speak out - I know its hard and would cause ructions but keeping this stuff in does none of you any good, the fall out will he hard but you will all get past it and the certain person will know exactly where your line is - I think some rules need putting in place, its not fair that you have to keep this stuff in, its not helpful

Michelle Twin Mum said...

((Heather)) Only just read this. Obvioulsy I do not know what the situation is but I am assuming maybe Alyosn does, so take head of her words and know that often dealing with something is not half as bad as the fear that keeps us quiet and eats us up.

Mich x

SAHMlovingit said...

Thanks for all the further comments.

For the time being it's died down but I know there will always be a next time and it's something brewing. I know the best thing may be to sort the problem but it's very difficult. For now I just want to carry on and enjoy my holiday.

x

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